Monday, April 20, 2009

Milestones and trudging on

I want to apologize to those of you who have been so dedicated to us here as we go through this, who have had to ask us for an update because it had been so long since we posted anything. swan's post "Trudge" aptly summarized how this feels now. I am still hooked to the wound vac machine 24/7. I am slowly seeing signs I am better but, not at all feeling well. Today I am 24 hours without pain med. I had quit pain medications once before but then found that pain kicked back up when I started with the wound vac. I seem to be tolerating it fine now without any pain medication. I am sure the absence of that med will mean that I will feel better today and in the future.

Also I awakened this morning to do my morning fasting weigh in and low and behold, I am at 251.0 pounds. When we began our pre-surgical diet two weeks before the surgery (March 9) my baseline weight was 301. Thus, I have achieved 50 pounds weight loss in roughly 6 weeks. As dramatic as that is, I feel like I've earned each pound I've lost.

Friday and Saturday here were beautiful with highs around 70 degrees F and sunshine. Each day I got us out for a walk. T went with sue and I on Friday. Saturday it was just sue and I. We took the "full circuit." There is a hiking route around our condo complex I like to walk. I had been out a couple of times before this and had done an abbreviated version of it trying to build my stamina. The full circuit we think is a little more than a mile. Each time it took me about an hour. Yes that's right it took me about an hour to walk 1.1 miles. How's that for slow! And when I was finished I was every bit as exhausted as a marathon runner who'd finished his race. It is difficult to fathom how weak I am or how little stamina I have. Then yesterday most of the day I had trouble walking at all. That little bit of exercise and my legs, ever part of them, were both so stiff and sore that it was dificult to walk at all. I was joking to my self that I thought I'd developed polio or muscular dystrophy or something. They seemed to have calmed down by the time I went to bed last night. I hope my strength recovers soon.

For M:e who is asking about the wond vac progress. The smaller of my two wounds has become very small likely less than 2 cm. in diameter and may .75 cm. depth. There is a slight amount of tunnelling in one location. The larger wound is decreased about 35% to 40% in overal size and depth. It has much more generalized tunneling but the tunnels too have reduced in size and depth commensurately with the rest of the wound's overal reduction. I have my next dressing change between 8:00 and 9:00 this morning.

I am bored and concerned that I've had no interest in sex since my surgery. I don't even think I've had an erction. I see attractivenss in my two and my nurses and am attracted. I've tried looking at erotica and porn on here and while I find it sort of interesting or even mildly entertaining, I just have little response. I feel that loss a great deal, and can tell that swan is longing for reconection and spanking. I just am not there, and am becoming increasingly sad about that.

I am adjusting to the eating with all of this which is not much eating at all. Still all in all we make sure that I eat the requistie amount of protein and hydration each day, and it has gone relatively well, despite my having dificulty branching out to eat more "normal" foods without getting sick (needing to remember to eat very small amounts very slowly is the issue.)

I am very tired of being like this and want to feel like I'm OK and alive again.

Thank you all of you for caring to be here with us. I'm sorry I didn't do a better job keeping you up to date.

All the best,


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.


Impish1 said...

Oh, Tom, I wish I could reach through my computer to give you a reassuring pat and shoulder rub. Your physical and emotional exhaustion comes through loud and clear - perfectly understandable at this point, but please don't let it overcome your faith that you ARE on your way. You just took a longer, harder route. Some of us just don't like the easy way!
Try not to be concerned over the fact that you are not participating sexually at this point. In fact, the fact that that you are even interested in it at all is a good sign. Remember that 24 hours ago, you were still taking narcotics, and your body is attempting to heal major wounds while it is essentially starving itself - remember how much weight you have lost how fast. In addition to that, go back and read your description of how your body is reacting to your walks. They are definitely the way to build your body back to a strength that will be useful for sex or anything else, but it takes time. A marathon runner does not have to run a marathon every day - and he does not go home and have a sex and spank session after! God knows I feel for Swan because I would be right there with her pulling my hair out behind the door, this is going to take time. It will come back, and your stamina should be that much better in the long run for your better health.
You have earned each of those pounds lost, and there will be a better future in store. Hang in there.

swan said...

Impish --
Thank you for the pep talk that I would give if I had the energy and leeway. It is so hard to see this struggle and be so powerless to do anything other than support and stay ready to assist. I cannot speed the healing, though I would do anything on earth if I could. I cannot make the future arrive any sooner than it will. I can only stay and make sure that there are good meals and enough to drink and a ready hug and sometimes a bit of light-hearted fun... It is a drain on us all, but I am believing that this will turn out to be a positive and that health and wellness will come to us all as we go through this process.
You have helped immeasurably with your words here.

hugs, swan

M:e said...

I'm just going to quietly look in with some hugs, because I think impish has pretty much covered what I'd have said too.

I think it was probably LynLass who was specifically enquiring about the wound vac. I do find it fascinating to think it makes so much difference, but I'm not medical so I imagine those who are understand the progress of it much more clearly.

Remember at the beginning of this process? When you wrote about how terrified you were about going through it? I remember saying something to you then about even warriors needing a soft place to fall sometimes. You have been SUCH a warrior through this process (all of you actually), and so yes, right now, a soft place to fall and be gentle with yourself is about right. I know you have that.....and this too will pass.

Know we're all thinking of you....still amazed by the courage you've all had to go through this, still cheering you on, pom-poms held high!!

love and hugs xxx

Amber said...

Tom, no apologies necessary about not writing here, please! :) Yes, we readers are concerned when none of you check in but my god! You all have enough on your plate right now. If any of you want to just post a smilie face so we know things are okay, even though you don't have time/inclination to write, that would be good enough. :)

As for the rest, give yourself more time. Completely normal not to be interested in sex right now; we're going through various stresses ourselves right now, not even physical and it's playing havoc with our intimacy.

Give yourself time; it really hasn't been very long and you had major surgery plus a nasty infection; your body is not fully recovered yet although well on the way.

I hear you on wanting to be back to "yourself" again; I have gone through a similar need/want over the past year but it just took time, I couldn't rush it, as much as I wanted to.

Have faith in Time; it is the great healer. :)